Friday, May 25, 2007

Prologue

I’m trapped in the rose field,

Is this just another stupid dream like I used to have?

I raised my arms and I saw them bleeding,

The roses’ thorns cut my arms,

Oh great.

I ran and got rid of the roses from my way with my hands,

But this is just impossible!

Why are my hands bleeding, too?

Yeah right.

Not only the thorns, but also the petals are sharper than a razor blade.

I stopped running, this is just plain ridiculous.

I just stood there, and still bleeding.

Wait, what’s that light?

Come on, don’t tell me that’s Angel.

That is WAY too cheesy.

Besides, I’m not even sure I’m going to Heaven.

Oh, that’s not an Angel, thank God.

That’s...a guy???

Yeah right.

This is even cheesier than before.

“You have no choice,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“If you keep standing there, you’ll die because of massive blood loss,”

“Yeah right,” I teased.

“But if you move, you’ll still die because of the same thing,” he didn’t listen to me.

“Then what should I do?” I asked.

“You’ll find it out soon if you’re smart enough to guess and to find it,”

Before I could say anything, he disappeared.

I sighed. Yeah right.

So the main point is, I’ll die.

The only difference is the matter of time.

Fine, then I’ll just keep walking.

Then, I felt like I stepped on something.

I looked down and it turned out to be a sword.

I picked it and smiled in victory.

“So he thinks I’m not smart enough, eh?” I said to myself.

Then, that guy appeared again.

He grinned.

Yeah, he grinned.

“So, this means I’ll survive?” I asked him.

He still grinned.

What’s that supposed to mean?

“Not really. My guess was right,” he leaned closer to me.

“I guessed you’d pick that sword instead of the white rose at the end of this field,” he continued.

“So...”

“You picked the wrong way. But that means it’s your path,” he smiled.

“You tricked me!” I protested.

“No, you tricked yourself,”

I frowned and was thinking about throwing that sword away.

“Not the solution, sweetie,” he said like he could read my mind.

“Then what?!” I yelled.

“Walk along your path, it’ll lead you to your death,”

“WHAT?!”

“You have no choice, remember? But you have to accept this gift whether you like it or not,”

“YOU CALL THIS A GIFT?!

“Yeah. Thanks to that sword, you’ll save a lot of people before you die,”

“I was actually hoping I’ll be immortal with this sword,”

“Nothing is immortal, everyone will die,”

“Okay now stop messing around with me, what sword is this?!”

“I thought you’d already know when you picked it, maybe you’re not smart enough,”

“This sword...” he continued, “is the Skull Sword..."


[End of Prologue]

2 comments:

Kairei said...

Hai, ini 'review' yang gua bilang. Mohon maap kalo banyak kritiknya, yah? Oke, kita mulai...

*SISI POSITIFNYA*

~ Ada aura misteriusnya, jadi orang tertarik untuk membaca lanjutannya.

~ Lumayan humoris, terutama saat 'orang' itu bilang si tokoh bakal mati apapun pilihannya. XD


*SISI NEGATIFNYA*

~ Terlalu 'one-liner'. Walaupun ini prolog, tapi bukan berarti boleh dibikin 'one-liner' kayak gini, lho. Coba deh, baca prolog2x novel2x luar. Saran gua: Coba gabungin beberapa kalimat sejenis ke dalam 1 paragraf biar lebih mudah dibaca.

~ Banyak percakapan tanpa deskripsi. Dulu gua juga sering kyk gitu. Rata2x cuman dialog ditambah "he/she said" di belakangnya. Trus ada yang kritik kalo ceritanya jadi susah dibayangin karna nggak dikasih deskripsi apa2x. Saran gua: coba kasih penjelasan atau ceritain aksi2x sang tokoh waktu bercakap2x.

~ Masih soal deskripsi. Gua liat udah ada beberapa kalimat deskripsi di awal2x prolog, tapi kurang dikembangin. Contoh:

"I raised my arms and I saw them bleeding..."

Coba diganti jadi:

"I raised my arms and saw huge gashes running down my limbs; red droplets of blood trickling steadily from the newly-created wounds..."

--> Jadinya lebih deskriptif. ;-)

~ Yang ini cuman sebagai catatan aja, sih: kayaknya penggunaan bahasa Inggrisnya masih rada kaku di sini. Banyak juga redundansi (penggunaan kata berulang2x) dan penggunaan 'tenses' yang nggak konsisten. Kalo yang ini, sih, tinggal kasih editor aja. :-P

~ Banyak hal yang nggak dijelasin. Kenapa dia bisa ada di tempat itu? Kenapa mawar yang ngebelit tubuh dia tajem? Apa simbolisasi dari mawar putih? Dan pertanyaan pribadi gua: naratornya siapa? Apa dia si Coelze? Kalo iya, koq kesannya karakternya rada berubah ama Coelze di bab 1?

*fiuh!* Oke, 'review' prolog selesai. Nanti gua bakal 'review' bab2x selanjutnya. Sekali lagi sori kalo ada kata2x yang 'nyinggung. Met berjuang buat novelnya! n_~*

Virenne said...

hahaha thanks banget atas review yang sangat teliti O__O hahahaha emang ini bagian yang mau gw ganti tapi ampe sekarang belom selese2 T__T huhuhu bagian ini mau gw jadiin Preface aja mungkin (klo gak ya gw simpen buat hiburan gw ndiri lah...XD)

prologue akan diganti...udah dapet bayangannya cuma belom dapet 'feeling'nya aja T__T doain cepet2 dapet deh huhuhu